Movie Review - Diamonds Are Forever (Bond 7)

Such an abysmal mess, no wonder Bond is bored!

So, Diamonds Are Forever was the last Eon Bond film with Sean Connery, and even with that, it's a complete mess. There are so many things wrong with this film, it's almost worth watching. Almost.

It feels pretty obvious that they really just threw everything that felt Bond-like into a mess and called it a day. The first half of the film is quite dull and tedious, as we follow Bond pretending to be a diamond smuggler so that they can follow a diamond smuggling chain, and the whole thing feels just bland. Each scene tries to move quickly along, in an effort to make it feel like a brisk pace, but there isn't any ebb or flow. It just jumps from plot point to plot point without any real weight or substance.

Much of the action also feels quite gimped. Connery is clearly older and looks quite stiff from time to time, making me wish for the much more lively Lazenby. Even the chase scenes are limp and flat, and feel like a matter of course rather than anything trilling. First, we see Bond jump into some kind of moon buggie (which the villain has for no apparent reason!), only to watch it somehow outrace at least four cars and some three-wheeled ATV, most of which are "defeated" simply by rolling over a hill or running into each other. The car chase through Vegas isn't any better, with an extended sequence taking place in a parking lot where Bond proceeds to drive in circles and let the police cars take each other out. Bond never seems to win by skill, but by the incompetence of his enemies.

And speaking of Bond, Connery is clearly bored, here for the £1.25 Million paycheck he's getting for this. Everything he does is simply to continue charming his way around girls and be at the right spot at the right time. Whatever presence he had in Goldfinger or energy in You Only Live Twice is clearly gone.

The only real bright spot of the film is Blofeld. Cleverly played by another actor, he at least gets a few scenes to chew up the scenery, especially when you discover that he isn't as dead as Bond tried to make him be at the beginning of the film. The body doubles make for some interesting shots, but little more than that. The whole idea of using a diamond-powered laser is pretty ridiculous, even by Bond villain standards (though I suppose I'm still early in the catalog!), and is clearly an attempt to make the diamonds seem relevant after they decided to replace the book's villain with Blofeld (or at least that's what the Wikipedia page tells me; I haven't read the books).

In the end though, the whole thing feels like a wash, designed to fill space rather than make anything of it, from the lame beginning chasing diamond smugglers, to the big finale on an old oil rig, which leaves us with Bond beating Blofeld by operating a crane and smashing the villains escape sub into a building. Completely underwhelming from nearly top to bottom and definitely the worst I've seen so far.

Thus, the Connery/Lazenby era ends with a whimper, and we move on to Roger Moore. Hopefully things move up from here, but I'm told that I shouldn't hold my breath.

Bond films by rank:

1. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
2. Goldfinger
3. You Only Live Twice
4. Dr. No
5. Thunderball
6. From Russia With Love
7. Diamonds Are Forever